Of Love and War
by EJSalvatore
Summary: A (probably non-canon) story of Dean and Castiel. Of realizations, loss, war and mostly love. Supported by fitting song lyrics.
1. Realize

_**A/N: So, it's been a while since I've been here. Been a while since I've written. But I've had this storyline in my head for a while now and I figured I'd share it. I hope you guys enjoy the ride with me.**_

 _ **The story is accompanied by a different song each chapter and will be specified in the A/N. For this chapter I chose "Realize" by Colby Caillat.**_

 _ **Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I don't own it.**_

* * *

 _ **~Take time to realize**_  
 _ **That your warmth is**_  
 _ **Crashing down on me~**_

Funny.. He never realized. Then again, he had been busy, the war going on in Heaven and all. But then again, was it really that surprising? In the end, he'd always come if the man called him, right? Even when called under different pretenses, he stayed. He could have left, gone back to fight his own war, each and every time. But he'd stayed.

"Cas?" Silence..  
"Cas?!" Castiel shook his head lightly and made some kind of throaty sound. It seemed to pass as an answer, because Dean continued talking. "Come on, man.. I mean I _know_ that you have your own thing going on up..." Dean fell silent for a second as if searching for a word. "Well.. Up there." He continued, while pointing his finger to the sky in a half-assed attempt to underline the meaning of 'up there'.  
"But we really need your help man.." His eyes were pleading. Castiel raised an eyebrow in the trademark 'Castiel' kind of way, it made him seem confused, but he nodded anyway.  
"Yes, I understand.. How can I help?" He replied.

 _ **~Take time to realize**_  
 _ **That I am on your side**_  
 _ **Didn't I, didn't I tell you?~**_

Castiel felt strange. He realized that the reason he kept coming back.. Heck, the reason he actually never really left to begin with, was Dean. The human he was ordered to pull from the depths of hell to fight a battle he was never meant to survive. The human he rebelled for, the human he betrayed his fellow angels for. The human he beat to a pulp when he was on his way to give in to Michael. At first, he honestly believed he did it because he was disappointed in him, felt betrayed. Maybe even felt a little bit like an idiot for rebelling for a human who, in the end, decided that he was giving up anyway.

But now, looking back, he realized, he did what he did because he was scared. He had been so scared of losing Dean. The man he'd give up everything for. The man he actually did give up everything for. He didn't want to get left behind to pick up the pieces, while he himself would never recover from the loss.

Castiel took a deep sigh while looking over the many books and papers lying on the table in front of him. Something about a pack of vampires that was leaving a trail of dead bodies in its wake. He couldn't focus, his mind kept wandering. He wasn't sure if the things he felt were even real. He was an angel for crying out loud. Reborn. He shook his head again as he tried to focus on the task at hand, figuring that somewhere along the way, the lines of being a human and being an angel had crossed. It wasn't important either way, this could never happen. It wasn't like he was just your everyday run-of-the-mill kind of guy anyway.

"Cas?" The sound of Dean's voice pulled him out of his train of thought, his eyes shifting to look at the man who he always had such a hard time looking away from.  
"Dude.. What the hell is up with you, man? You've been out of it all day." Dean said, shaking his head at him and looking at him with questioning eyes.

 _ **~But I can't spell it out for you**_  
 _ **No it's never gonna be that simple**_  
 _ **No, I can't spell it out for you~**_

When they returned at 2 in the morning, vampire pack completely eradicated, Castiel stayed, God knows why. As Sam made his way into the motelroom next to Dean's they bid each other goodnight and Castiel followed Dean into his own room. He really needed to stop acting like some sort of lost puppy. He was an angel for crying out loud.

Dean's cheek was bruised and judging by his crabby demeanor, so was his ego.  
"How the hell did you two let this guy sneak up on me man?!" Dean grumbled, whilse Castiel, without answering, went to the bathroom, grabbed a wash cloth and held it under the cool stream of the tap he turned on in the sink. He heard Dean 'bitching and moaning' (that was the term for it, right?) in the bedroom about how him and 'Sammy' "didn't have my back" and how "if you can't even trust your brother and your best friend to have your back, who could you trust?".  
Castiel sighed and looked at Dean, who by now had sat down on the side of his bed, having just pulled off his shoes. Dean looked up at Castiel expectantly. "Well?!" He grumbled again. Castiel just shook his head and sat down next to the man (big baby) and pressed the cold cloth directly onto the bruise on his cheekbone.

"What the hell man?!" Dean cried out, while trying to get back up out of reflex, but being held down by the firm grip Castiel seemed to have on his shoulder.  
"Quit acting like a baby, you need to put something cold on there or you're going to have one heck of a bruise." Castiel simply stated.  
Dean looked at him in confusion. "Can't you just use your healing mojo and be done with it?" He asked and Castiel gave him a smug grin (the bastard). "You can stand to be taken down a peg, Dean. It's just a bruise."

As Castiel sat on the bed that stood on the opposite wall from Dean's, he watched Dean sleep, taking in every feature. He looked strangely peaceful when he slept. And no matter how much Castiel knew he had to go back to his own world, his own war, he kept telling himself "Just one more minute.."  
If only the timing wouldn't be so off. If only it wasn't Dean. If only he himself, were human. Maybe then..

 _ **~If you just realize what I just realized**_  
 _ **Then we'd be perfect for each other**_  
 _ **And we'd never find another~**_


	2. The Grace

_**A/N: The song is called "The Grace" by Neverending White Lights (feat. Dallas Green)**_

 _ **Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I don't own it.**_

* * *

 _ **~Angels say they can make you suffer**_  
 _ **Give and take like a vicious lover~**_

Dean had no idea where he was. All he knew was that there were two angels on the other side of that door, fucking torturing him, to find where Castiel had hidden himself. They must have been Raphael's lapdogs or something.  
And Dean didn't know. He didn't know why they took him. He didn't know why he had to be the one to endure the torture _again_. He didn't know where he was. He didn't know where Cas was. Hell, he didn't even know if anyone missed him.

He and Sam had split up when they'd taken him. Sam had been worried about Castiel. Sam had always been the worrier of the two, Dean supposed. But not Dean, Dean had faith in Castiel. Even when he hadn't answered his calls anymore. Even when he had yelled and screamed and thrown every swear word he knew at the sky, Dean had had faith that Castiel was fine.  
He wasn't about to admit to Sam that he was worried about Castiel. He had to endure enough sassy comments from Sam about the 'special bond' and the sometimes (completely innocent, he told himself) lingering looks.

So they had split up, Dean to chase some rogue angel that seemed to be leaving a trail of used-up 'vessels'. And Sam to try and find Cas.  
And boy, was he regretting it now. Because of course he was worried about Castiel. Cas always came when he called. Sometimes it took him a while, but he _never_ let them down. And hell, if Cas didn't answer his pleas in the middle of the night over the last 3 months, chances were slim he'd show up as some knight in shining armor (Oh my God, I did not just think that about Cas) to save him now.  
And he was tired. And beat up. And broken. And he didn't want to fight anymore, because why should he? The situation was hopeless. And he couldn't even sleep, his body (or his mind) wouldn't let him. If only he could get out of this nightmare for just a little while and dream of getting saved. Dream of the angel who was meant to save him.

 _ **~When all this loses meaning**_  
 _ **You'll never want it back somehow**_  
 _ **Awake, but still I'm dreaming**_  
 _ **And never waking up~**_

They had cut him, branded him, beat him. They had done unspeakable things to him. It wasn't as bad as when Alistair had had a hold on him in hell, but there, he knew he had no hope of ever coming out of there, even though, against all odds, he did.  
Now he actually had hope. Hope he so desperately didn't want to have. Hope for the angel that had already saved him more times than he could count. The angel he had taken for granted. And the worst part of it all, was slowly, day by day, losing that hope.

And his mind was playing tricks on him, telling him that Cas, the most beautiful thing he had ever laid his eyes upon (but he would deny ever thinking that to anyone who asked) would come for him. Would somehow know he was missing and make some kind of grand entrance with Sammy in tow. Saving Dean. But that small voice in the back of his head was starting to win the battle. The small voice that said that Castiel had ignored his calls for a reason. That he was in hiding, because of these two _assholes_ and that there was no way in hell, or well.. heaven, that he would put himself in jeopardy for Dean.

 _ **~You're not coming back for me**_  
 _ **These things, they will never be**_  
 _ **I'm so used to being wrong**_  
 _ **So put me where I belong~**_

After almost three weeks had passed, Dean had gone through the first stage of loss (denial and isolation) and went on to the stage of anger. He wasn't going to give in, it just wasn't going to happen. If he was gonna go down, he'd go down fighting.  
Granted, he had no weapons to kill these angels. He barely had the strength to stand upright by himself. But damned if he was going to go out by the hands of two fucking lapdogs who wanted to fight dirty.  
He was going to get out of this Goddamn place and when he did, he was personally going to track down Castiel to kick his ass. He had nothing to do with this raging war in Heaven. And damn those who put him smack dab in the middle. He wasn't gonna have it. He'd get out of here, if it was the last thing he'd do.

 _ **~I'll get back to you**_  
 _ **God knows I try**_  
 _ **But I still lose~**_


	3. I Will Come To You

**_A/N: The songtitle for this chapter is called "I will come to you" by Hanson_**

 ** _Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I don't own it._**

* * *

 _ **~Sometimes when all your dreams may have seen better days**_  
 _ **And you don't know how or why**_  
 _ **But you've lost your way~**_

It wasn't so much Sam finding Castiel as it was Castiel finding Sam.  
Cas had been in hiding for God knows how long, having picked up that there were some angels (more like mercenaries) out for his head. Angels from Raphael's side, to be exact.  
They'd threatened him, at first, which didn't frighten him much, as much as he cared for (Cas nearly snorted at that) Dean and even Sam, he was okay with dying. Well, not okay, but.. He could handle it.

The one thing he could not handle, though, was endangering others (especially the Winchester boys) only because of their sheer connection to one another.  
So Cas had cut off all contact and ran. He ran everywhere. Leaving enough traces to have the angels chasing him keep on his tail, but far enough away so they wouldn't catch up with him and in turn making sure they were distracted enough not to go after the people who had no part in this war.

And he had thought he'd given them the good run-around when they didn't seem to catch up with him, but it had been too silent, for too long. And Cas couldn't help himself, he grew worried. So for just one second, maybe not even that long, he closed his eyes and just listened. Listened for that familiar voice to make sure he was okay. But what he'd heard was anything but okay. _"Castiel.. Please.. Don't leave me to die here.."_

 _ **~Have no fear when your tears are falling**_  
 _ **I will hear your spirit calling**_  
 _ **And I swear I'll be there**_  
 _ **Come what may~**_

Cas and Sam practically literally ran into each other. "Cas! Hey! There you are. We were worried sick about you, man. Where the hell have you been? We've been trying to contact you for months.." Sam said, a glint of happiness in his eyes to see his friend alive and well. But he soon changed his tone as Castiel was giving him his stone-cold 'I am the scariest being on this planet right now' look. "Where is Dean?" was all Castiel asked. His blue eyes piercing Sam's, his demeanor stiff but slightly.. twitchy?  
Sam raised an eyebrow and looked utterly confused. "We had a disagreement. I went to go look for you and Dean went to track these two rogue angels that have been leaving dead bodies all over town."

Castiel looked furious at this point. "You left him to go deal with angels on his own?!" He thundered out, causing Sam to actually flinch. "Dude, just calm down man.. I'm sure he's fine." Sam stammered, trying to regain his ground, but the look Castiel was giving him was anything but forgiving, or calm for that matter.  
"We will need to track him down _right now_." Castiel ordered. And as they traveled back to the motel Sam and Dean had been staying in (with Castiel's 'woosh' type of travel), Castiel focused in on Dean's being once more, hoping against all hope that there was still anyone left to focus in on.  
 _"Why won't you answer me Cas.. Please.."_

 _ **~When you have no light to guide you**_  
 _ **And no one to walk beside you**_  
 _ **I will come to you**_  
 _ **Oh, I will come to you~**_

Though Raphael's angels had been great in their hiding techniques as well as torture methods, what they lacked was a general knowledge of the human race. More specifically, human technology. Dean had had his cellphone on him when they took him. And even though they had taken it and smashed it, it would still prove useful.  
Specifically when Sam used an app on his own phone to track the GPS coordinates of the last time Dean's phone bounced off a tower (thank God for great cellphone internet connectivity). And they were able to somewhat pinpoint a location. And after scoping the location online (they probably should send NASA a big thank you for letting Google upload so many top-down pictures of maps), it was fairly easy to figure out where the angels would have taken Dean. And abandoned warehouse, about a mile from the city.

Once they figured out the exact location, Sam had trouble keeping up with Cas, who had grabbed his angel sword and pretty much just stormed out the door, death glare in tow.  
Once they reached the location, Castiel stopped Sam before he could even so much as touch the doorknob, let alone open the door. "You stay out here." Castiel commanded. And although with every fiber of his being Sam wanted to argue, the tone in Cas's voice was clear enough. Cas would get the job done. Cas would save Dean. Sam would only be another vulnerable pawn in this wargame and Castiel would not have it. He would not risk losing Sam only to get Dean out with no one to return home to.

Castiel walked around inside as if he owned the place. He felt like an unstoppable force. He made his way straight to the double doors at the end of the hallway, proverbial guns blazing. When he opened the doors and saw Dean, _his Dean_ , lying on what could only be described as a torture table, unmoving and nearly unrecognizable due to the cuts and bruises, he literally roared.  
The sound made for quite an impact, because suddenly he had two rogue angels flying at him, but Cas wouldn't take it, not for one second. He had someone to fight for. Someone he would always fight for. So with some luck and a lot of determination, he eventually managed to stake both angels with his angel sword, their bodies dropping down on the floor like sacks of potatoes. And then he made his way to Dean.

When he realized Dean was unresponsive, Castiel finally lowered his own walls. He didn't want to feel, he didn't want to be aware of the state Dean was in, but he knew.. He _felt_ that Dean was still in there, alive and kicking. He just needed to get out of here, and he needed to be healed. So he did the only logical thing his mind could come up with then and there and grabbed a hold of Dean, disappearing before reappearing in the stuffy motel room he'd been in a mere hour earlier with Sam.  
Sam.. Castiel sighed and fished the spare cellular phone from his inside trenchcoat pocket and sent a text message to Sam. "Back at the motel. Dean is alive." And then quickly put the phone away again.

Castiel then sat down on the bed next to where Dean was now lying and he couldn't help himself, tracing his index finger gently through Dean's hair. He sighed and then put his hand against Dean's battered cheek and felt the energy flowing from his own body into Dean's. And though the blood on his body remained, and though there were still a couple of cuts and bruises visible, Dean was going to be okay. And even though Castiel felt so lucky to have been able to save Dean, he knew that he himself, would never be okay again. Not when it came to this man.

 _ **~When the night is dark and stormy**_  
 _ **You won't have to reach out for me**_  
 _ **I will come to you**_  
 _ **Oh, I will come to you~**_


	4. Leave Right Now

**_A/N: This accompanying song is called "Leave Right Now" by Will Young._**

 ** _Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I don't own it._**

* * *

 _ **~I wouldn't know how to say**_  
 _ **How good it feels seeing you today**_  
 _ **I see you got your smile back**_  
 _ **Like you say, you're right on track~**_

Castiel was still brooding in the corner and Dean just about had enough of it. "Jesus, Cas, come on! You can stop your sulking now, we're all good, we're all in one piece."  
The angel looked up at Dean and raised his brow before shrugging a little sheepishly.  
"I'm sorry Dean, it's just.. I never should have endangered you in the first place. I shouldn't even still be here right now."

Dean sighed and stood up from his place at the table where he had been happily stuffing his face with any food he could find. He made his way over to Castiel and sat on the bed in front of him. "Cas.. Cas! Look at me." Castiel turned his eyes upwards and looked into Dean's. Beautiful and bright and green, just like nothing ever happened.  
"Cas, I'm fine, okay? Could you at least stop being such a downer and just.. Hang?" Dean asked, slightly frustrated at his off-putting demeanor.

 _ **~I'm here, just like I said**_  
 _ **Though it's breaking every rule I've ever made**_  
 _ **My racing heart is just the same**_  
 _ **Why make it strong to break it once again~**_

Castiel took a deep sigh. He wanted to scream out that he had to leave. That he couldn't handle looking at Dean and remembering his lifeless body. Because of him. And him selfishly staying here, simply because he couldn't bear to say no to Dean, was only putting him _and_ Sam in danger, again.

But no, he had to go and get himself roped into staying here again. Dean's silent pleas and Sam's puppy dog eyes convinced him that "Just one more day, Cas.." would be fine. Even though he knew, _he knew_ , it wasn't going to be fine. It would never again be fine. Simply because Castiel couldn't stand to think that he had almost lost the one person he felt deserved the happiest life the most. That that man, who knew all his secret hiding places, somehow had refused to give them up while being tortured to near death, because of him. Because of some fake sense of obligation due to the fact that he was the angel commanded to pull him from hell. Dean didn't owe him anything. Castiel, on the other hand, felt he owed Dean everything.

 _ **~I'm a little more careful**_  
 _ **Perhaps it shows**_  
 _ **But if I lose the highs**_  
 _ **At least I'm spared the lows~**_

Even Sam had noticed Castiel's detached behavior the last couple of days. It was like he was there, yet he wasn't. Not really. When they were talking to him, he barely even reacted. Dean even tried to make some movie references, just to see that trademark eyebrow lift followed by "I don't think I know that reference", but nothing.

And of course, Sam wasn't an idiot, like Dean and Cas. No, Sam was the outsider looking in on the situation. Sam saw perfectly clear that Cas held adoration for his brother way beyond the 'best friend' boundries. And Dean was.. Well.. Dean was Dean. He tried to make a joke of everything, he tried to pretend that nothing happened, put his walls back up to way over yonder, all the while trying almost desperately to get Castiel's attention. And the way those two were just practically drilling a hole in the each other's heads with their eyes while the other person wasn't looking was becoming downright ridiculous.  
But of course, Sam had to keep his mouth shut. He'd tried talking to Cas, first, but Cas just kept throwing it on the "This wasn't supposed to be _your_ fight" pile. And of course, when he went to confront Dean, the walls shot back up and he got a "What the fuck is wrong with you, man?!" response that seemed to be code for "Drop it now or I won't hesitate killing you in your sleep."

And then there they were, barely a week later and Castiel was announcing his departure back to Heaven. And they were shocked, yet not really. And Dean was angry, nay.. He was furious. He was throwing a major guilt trip on Cas, unfairly so, about how it was his fault in the first place and how he owed it to them to stay to make sure they were safe. And when Cas finally couldn't take the verbal abuse any longer and literally walked (not wooshed) out of the door, Sam couldn't bear to stay out of it any longer.

"Cas... Cas wait!" He called after him, after they both turned the corner at the end of the block. Castiel came to a standstill, his back to Sam and moved his hand to rub his forehead with a loud sigh. "What, Sam?" He simply asked.  
Sam moved to stand in front of him and looked at him with pleading eyes. "Come on Cas.. What's really going on here? Tell me the truth."  
"I can't do this anymore, Sam.. I can't just sit idly by while you and _Dean_ get hurt because of a war you have nothing to do with.." He sighed again, but Sam looked unimpressed. "Stop lying to me, Cas.." Sam tried again. Castiel turned back around, away from Sam and wooshed away, back to the motel room, presumably to say goodbye. And if Sam hadn't been paying attention, he probably would have missed the words that came out of Cas's mouth before he left. "He deserves so much better.."

 _ **~I think I'd better leave right now**_  
 _ **Before I fall any deeper**_  
 _ **I think I'd better leave right now**_  
 _ **Feeling weaker and weaker~**_

There were so many reasons for Cas to leave. But only two were important enough to actually go through with it. To actually make himself cut ties with the Winchester brothers. The first was that he simply couldn't handle feeling what he felt for Dean without sooner or later 'slipping up' and making a mistake he couldn't come back from, ruining their friendship forever. Better to break your own heart, before it gets broken by someone else, right?  
The second, more prominent reason, was that Castiel had to settle this war, and it had to be settled now. If there was one thing he was never going to let happen again, it would be Dean getting hurt because of something he caused. Something he could prevent from happening.

So Cas did what had to be done. He cut ties. And he cut them good. Maybe not with Sam, Sam would likely understand his point of view, but Dean, Dean was a whole other story.  
"You had better not be fucking leaving us again, Cas.. Castiel!" Dean practically yelled at him. He didn't understand. And he was angry, at so many things. He was angry that his friendship meant so little to Castiel. He was angry that he hadn't come when he called for him all these past months. He was angry at himself for feeling things he shouldn't be feeling for his best friend. And most of all, he was angry for Castiel carelessly breaking his heart by leaving again. The torture he could take, hell, he would pick being tortured every single day if it meant Cas not leaving him.  
And just before Castiel made his way back to the sky, fighting a fight that simply had to stop, he stopped and turned to look at Dean. One last look into those beautiful green eyes. "I can't keep on saving you, Dean." And with that, he was gone.

 _ **~But you may never know why**_  
 _ **Once bitten, twice as shy**_  
 _ **If I'm proud, perhaps I should explain**_  
 _ **I couldn't bear to lose you again"**_


	5. Hate Me

_**A/N: This song is called "Hate me" by Blue October.  
**_

 _ **Disclaimer: You recognize it? I don't own it.**_

* * *

 _ **~I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head**_  
 _ **They're crawling like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed**_  
 _ **Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone**_  
 _ **Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home~**_

It had been five months. Five months since Cas had left the Winchesters to go fight his own war. And the war was done, peace had been restored to Heaven and he was left, on his own. And he hated admitting it, but he felt lonely. And God (wherever he was) knows he wanted to go back, check on the boys, but he couldn't. Because even though he was an Angel of the Lord, he was scared shitless. Scared of the feelings he had been trying, with all his might, to bury deep inside. He had no other choice either way, he had absolutely nothing to offer, he couldn't stay on earth, he had no way of offering any sort of longterm relationship to Dean. _Not that Dean would want anything like that anyway_ , Castiel scoffed at himself.

But he had to be honest here, his pride was hurt. He had thought that at the very least, the Winchester boys would have called for him over the past five months. Would have needed him.. _Would have missed him_.  
But not one peep. He'd always kept the proverbial, celestial, lines open for them. Not that he would have come if they'd asked, no.. But part of him longed to be missed, to be longed for the way he longed for the man who meant everything to him, as well as his younger brother.

 _ **~There's a burning in my pride**_  
 _ **A nervous bleeding in my brain**_  
 _ **An ounce of peace is all I want for you**_  
 _ **Will you never call again?~**_

As Castiel sat down on a bench, in someone else's little 'slice of heaven', a sunny afternoon in a beautiful park, completely void of people, he figured it was better this way. It was better to have the boys hate him. To go.. How did humans call it again? Oh right.. Cold turkey. But his heart ached. And for all the times he himself had died, nothing could compare to this sort of pain, because it wasn't his vessel's skin that was broken, it wasn't his heart, because that wasn't really his own to begin with.. No, it was his soul, his grace, it had a proverbial tear in it that likely would never mend on its own.

The only thing that Castiel didn't quite understand is why he somehow liked the pain he was feeling. He actually reveled in it. It made him feel so unbelievably _human_. Castiel slightly snorted at his own train of thought. Who would have ever thought that? Angel of the Lord, Solder of God.. And he felt human. And just like Dean had said.. He'd take the pain and he'd take the guilt. And a slow tear made its way down his cheek.

 _ **~Hate me today**_  
 _ **Hate me tomorrow**_  
 _ **Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you~**_

Dean shot upright in his bed after a particularly troubling dream. It wasn't monsters, it wasn't demons, it wasn't Sammy being in trouble for the so manieth time. It was an angel in a man's body. Eyes blue as the sky, hair dark as night. He had seen the angel sitting there, on a bench, leaning forward, elbows on his knees and a blank stare into the distance. The angel hadn't seen him and Dean had felt slightly like a voyeur, but he couldn't tear his own eyes away if he wanted to. _He didn't want to_.  
Dean felt his heart beat in his chest and it was heavy. As much as his conscious mind did not want to admit it, he missed the angel, beyond belief. He missed his strange quirks, he missed having his personal space obliviously invaded, he missed the dark, gravelly voice, he missed the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen in his life. And most of all, he missed how the angel made him feel safe. Protected. _Worth saving_.

And when he was there, in his dream, in his own little corner of Heaven, he just watched the most beautiful creation God had ever made. And as he watched, his heart broke. For the life of him, he couldn't understand why this man, this _angel_ , had left him. Not that he had actively sought him out after he left, oh no. His pride would never allow that. Dean Winchester did not need anyone. He was the person other people needed, not the other way around.  
And then his heart broke, it broke into a million pieces when he saw a tear make its way from the bluest of eyes, roll down a slightly rosy cheek and fell carelessly to the ground, as if it held no value. But it did.. Good God, did it ever. And as Dean shot up, awoken from the dream that felt like Heaven and Hell alike.. He knew. _He knew_. He didn't need anyone.. Not even this angel. But he _wanted_ him anyway.

 _ **~I never was a man**_  
 _ **Until I saw your blue eyes crying**_  
 _ **And I held your face in my hand**_  
 _ **And then I fell down yelling**_  
 _ **'Make it go away!'~**_


	6. I'm Not in Love

_**A/N: This song is called "I'm not in Love" by 10CC. (A personal favorite of mine)**_

 _ **Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I don't own it.**_

* * *

 _ **~I'm not in love**_  
 _ **So don't forget it**_  
 _ **It's just a silly phase I'm going through~**_

Dean was in denial. And grumpy. And Sam was about done with it.  
"Just call him already, Dean!" Sam had shot at him, out of the blue, from his perspective anyway. They had had a particularly heated discussion _again_ , because apparently, Dean had been an unbearable prick according to Sammy, _again_.  
Every time Sam as much as mentioned Castiel's name, Dean had flipped, in an overly unnecessary fashion. He'd even gone so far as to ( _thou protest too much_ , thought Sam) exclaim that he never wanted to see that "stupid, righteous ass" again.

Dean couldn't help himself, though. Since his first dream of Cas, he had been dreaming about him every single time he fell asleep. So, in turn, he made it his life mission to try and avoid sleep as much as he could, for as long as he could, at all costs. And currently, those costs included his less than pleasant mood and quite possibly his sanity, because as much as he was prideful and damn sure he didn't need anyone.. He was considering it. He was considering calling for the damn angel.

 _ **~I like to see you**_  
 _ **But then again**_  
 _ **That doesn't mean you mean that much to me~**_

"Cas.. Castiel.. I don't know if you're liste-" Dean began, but was cut short abruptly when he heard that familier, heart stopping voice. "Dean?! What is it? Are you okay? Do you need my assistance?!"  
And as Dean looked up, there was the angel, in all his glory.. _Castiel_.. And Dean had to struggle not to look straight into his eyes, because surely, it would break him.  
Dean shook his head and then lowered it slightly, in exasperation, or shame, or defeat, he wasn't sure. "No.. no. I just.. We.." Dean stumbled, his downward gaze making it so he missed the questioning look on Castiel's face. "Sam said I needed to call you.. Apparently, I am 'unbearable'" Dean mocked, his fingers acting as quotation marks. Castiel only chuckled and sat down next to where Dean was currently seated, on the sidewalk.  
"I'm sorry I pulled you from.. whatever." Dean started, dismissively. "It's nothing, really.. So if you're busy, it's fine. You can get back to whatever you were doing." Dean continued, his eyes still focused downward, this time on his own hands, which, for some reason he pretended to be unknown to him ( _nerves_..) were a mess of fiddling and twitching fingers. And for a second, before Castiel could answer, he pretended that the angel was waiting for his call. That that was the reason he appeared so quickly.. But then again.. Cas probably did think it was an emergency, seeing as he hadn't called on him for months.

 _ **~And just because**_  
 _ **I call you up**_  
 _ **Don't get me wrong, don't think you've got it made~**_

Castiel uttered a deep sigh before moving one of his hands to cover Dean's clearly restless ones. "Dean.." He started, his voice deep, tired. "Look at me, Dean." Castiel then said, commanding. His voice felt booming, even though they spoke in whispers.  
Dean lifted his head and, after doing his past to steel his face into a passive stare, let his eyes wander up to Castiel's eyes, involuntarily having his tongue dart out with the speed of light to lick his own bottom lip as his eyes raked across the angel's lips.

"Dean.. I _always_ have time for you. Even if it's for nothing more than sitting side by side on a sidewalk in the middle of nowhere. It doesn't _have_ to be an emergency." He stated, his blue eyes boring into Dean's green ones. Castiel tried as best he could to let his eyes underline the truth in his words.  
"Now, tell me.. Why does Sam think you're.. unbearable?"

Dean chuckled a little and looked away from the angel again, this time looking into the distance, his legs pulled up and his arms resting across his knees. He had a faint smile on his lips. "Apparently, not sleeping makes me a bit.. cranky." Dean said with a slight laugh. Castiel watched him, watched the forced laugh, the nervous fiddling of fingers. And if guided by some divine force (Castiel had to chuckled inward at that), he moved his hand, once again covering Dean's, this time squeezing lightly. "I understand, Dean.." Cas said, because he did. "Why are you not sleeping?" He asked.  
Dean sighed and looked at his hands, covered by Cas's. "I keep having these.. Dreams.." Dean started and Cas interrupted. "Nightmares?" He asked, his eyes darkening slightly because he would not accept anything plaguing this human, not even in his dreams. But Dean shook his head. "No.. Not nightmares.. Just.. Dreams." And Cas raised a questioning brow. He didn't understand.. But then, suddenly, it clicked. He understood. Dean _had_ missed him. So much so that he had _dreams_ about him. This gave Castiel an idea, one that made him feel excitement and yet dreaded in fear at the same time.

Dean gasped, having suddenly reappeared in his bedroom at Bobby's place, sitting on the side of the bed, Castiel still beside him, still holding onto his hands. But then, Castiel let go of his hands and Dean didn't like the sudden cold on his hands. Castiel had stood up and slightly nudged Dean's shoulder. "Lie down, Dean." He simply commanded and Dean looked a little taken aback. _Wait.. What's going on here?_ Dean asked himself, but then Cas chuckled. The angel actually chuckled, out loud.  
"Lie back, Dean. I will help you sleep. And when you close your eyes, keep in mind that I am still here, even if I am in Heaven, you only have to call on me and I _will_ be there." He said, his tone still commanding, despite the chuckles he had let out not a mere 10 seconds ago.

Dean went to lie back and before closing his eyes, he looked up at the angel one last time. "Don't tell Sammy.." he whispered. He wanted to continue the sentence, to say he didn't want his little brother knowing he was right, but his eyes grew heavy and soon he fell in a deep slumber.  
Cas sat down on the bed next to where Dean's sleeping body was, and thought the body was sleeping, it seemed restless, so Cas opened his mind and waited.  
And beforelong, he heard his name, clear as day, coming from Dean's unconcious mind. "Cas.. Please.. I need you here." And Cas closed his eyes and jumped, metaphorically.

Castiel was taken aback when he entered Dean's dream. Dean's dream was the exact same place he resided in in Heaven. The park, the bench, the quiet. The green grass, the sun shining gently on his face, and the sky blue and without clouds.  
He saw Dean sitting on said bench and made his way to sit beside him. "This.. This is what you dream of..?" Castiel said, carefully weighing his words. So many things he wanted to say instead, but this seemed like the safest route to follow. He looked to the side, to Dean, to see him nod in reply. "Yes.. Well.. Sort of anyway. Only normally I.. Normally you don't see me." Dean started.  
Castiel felt a strange warmth make its way over his body, over his soul. He let a small smile rest on his face and took hold of Dean's hand again. "I see you now.." He simply said, his voice small, gentle. Dean smiled, he couldn't help himself. He looked at Castiel and squinted his eyes a little. "So you do." He stated.  
Neither knew who initiated, neither could define whether it was real or a dream at this point, and to be frank, right in this moment, neither cared. All they knew, is that suddenly, there was touching of lips. Gentle, languidedly slow..  
And when Dean awoke the next morning, alone in his bed and not having felt this rested in months, he moved his fingers up to his lips before shaking his head. _It was just a dream.._ He thought to himself, before getting up from his bed and into the new day.

 _ **~So if I call you**_  
 _ **Don't make a fuss**_  
 _ **Don't tell your friends about the two of us**_  
 _ **I'm not in love, no no.~**_


	7. Calling All Angels

_**A/N: The song in this chapter is called "Calling All Angels" by Train.**_

 _ **Disclaimer: You recognize it, I don't own it.**_

* * *

 _ **~I need a sign to let me know you're here**_  
 _ **All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere~**_

Although the kiss seemed to have been a one-time thing, Castiel made sure to still visit Dean in his dreams whenever he called. And he called a lot. And it wasn't all fun and games, no.. Far from it even. They fought a lot, anger flaring with a passion. And of course, Dean asked Castiel about anything and everything they needed help with whilst fighting whatever monster, ghost, ghoul or otherwise bad 'person' they were up against this time. And then there were the times where they just sat, side by side on the bench, eyes glued to the horizon. Silent. Thinking. But always together.

And during the waking hours, Cas hated to admit it, but.. He was bored out of his mind. After killing Raphael, every single angel seemed to have proverbially bowed down in front of him. They looked up to him, sought him out when certain things needed explanation or clarification. They depended on him for answers, for guidance. But he was no God, nor did he _want_ to be God. All he ever wanted was to make sure Raphael wouldn't open Lucifer's cage once more, basically dooming Sam and Dean into function as simple human 'shells' once again.

 _ **~I need to know that things are gonna look up**_  
 _ **'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup~**_

When Castiel heard his name being called in his mind by a voice he knew all too well, he immediately perked up. He sat himself down on the bench in his own corner of Heaven before closing his eyes and 'sliding' into Dean's dreams once again.

"Dean.." Castiel said, appearing next to Dean on said bench. Dean turned his head slightly, acknowledging him with a slight nod and a shimmer of a smile in his eyes. But then Dean lowered his head again, his gaze on the green grass under his feet, shoulders slightly slumped, leaning his elbows on his knees. "Are you ever coming back, Cas?" He simply asked.  
Castiel stayed silent for a moment, as if contemplating. He then sighed. "I can't. They need me here now, Dean. The angels rely on me." Castiel uttered, quietly. Dean grumbled, his shoulders tensing, before looking up at Cas, fire in his eyes. "You're not God, Cas! We're you're friends, damnit.. We _need_ you down there. Because while you're off in Heaven, pretending to be the Almighty, the people down here are still in danger!"

Castiel turned stiff, his own defense mechanism, and turned his gaze away from Dean and back into the distance, taking a moment before answering. He had to think things over. He knew the people on earth still needed as many protectors as they could get. But on the other hand, there was no saying what would happen to Heaven if he left and there was no one in charge. But he was so.. _bored_. But that was no excuse to just leave his brothers and sisters to figure everything out for themselves.  
But it was Dean.. _Dean wanted him on earth_.  
Castiel slightly relaxed again and kept staring into the distance, finally replying to Dean's speech. "I know, Dean. I'll do whatever I can to help you. As well as Sam and Bobby. You know that."  
Dean sighed at the answer and shook his head a little, returning his gaze back to the horizon as well. "Dean.. I.. I have to cut this short today, something has just come up. I hear them calling." Castiel said, standing up from the bench. Dean looked up at him, his eyes slightly widened. This never happened. Cas never just left like that. And with a blink, Cas was gone.

 _ **~And I'm calling all angels**_  
 _ **I'm calling all you angels~**_

Castiel quickly made his way to the field, where the majority of his brothers and sisters were gathered. He had hated lying to Dean, but eventually, Dean would understand. He had made up his mind. What good was being a formerly 'Fallen Angel' (as people had called him) with free will and his own thoughts, if he just ended up back here, going in the same circles again? What was the point of sitting safely up in Heaven when the people who needed him the most were down there, on earth?

So Castiel called upon his brothers and sisters to gather and he greeted them all, before starting his speech, his request.. _his plea_.  
"Brothers, sisters.." He nodded his head slightly to the 'crowd'. "As much as you may count on me for answers or guidance.. I simply cannot provide what you need, what you _deserve_. So, I have decided, I will be going back to earth, to help the people who need help the most. Not from up here, safe and sound in the distance, but from down there, where the fight is still going strong. I am a soldier, a warrior. I am not a God, nor am I a leader. And while I am down there, on earth, I will continue my search for Our Father so he can reclaim his rightful place in Heaven, as he is meant to do." Castiel finished his speech, having moved his hands behind his back to hide the trembling. He was _nervous_ , he thought with a mental chuckle.

Though most of the angels nodded, albeit dejectedly, in understanding, one of them spoke up. "If you want to go back to Earth so bad, if you want to abandon us, Brother.. Your wings should be taken until you find God and he deems you worthy of receiving them again." Castiel looked at him wide eyed. And to his utter shock, the majority of the angels seemed to agree. "W-what..?" Castiel was utterly confused.  
"Just.. See it as an insurance policy, Brother. To make sure you _do_ find God, instead of wasting your time on that human pet of yours." The same angel said, a glint of resentment in his eyes.  
And as Castiel was, for all intents and purposes, thrown to Earth, his heart broke, but he regretted nothing. Now, he had truly given it all up. For the people of the Earth. _For Dean_. So he closed his eyes and just fell and fell. And fell.

And then he landed. In a heap of limbs, and pain.

 _ **~I need a reason for the way things have to be**_  
 _ **I need a hand to help build some kind of hope inside of me~**_


	8. Ghosts That We Knew

_**A/N: Longest chapter yet. Song is called "Ghosts That We Knew" by Mumford & Sons.**_

 _ **Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I don't own it.**_

* * *

 _ **~So lead me back**_  
 _ **Turn south from that place**_  
 _ **And close my eyes from recent disgrace**_  
 _ **'Cause you know my call**_  
 _ **We'll share my all~**_

Castiel groaned as he stood up. his left arm hanging at a strange angle, his entire body feeling, well.. He didn't know, but he supposed this was pain. And somehow, the pain wouldn't go away. So they hadn't just stripped him of his wings, but had taken his healing powers as well. He supposed he truly was the 'Fallen Angel' now.  
As he tried to take a step, his body collapsed onto the ground again and he groaned in pain. He had no idea where he was. And for the life of him, he couldn't get back up, no matter how hard he tried, his body just simply did not comply.  
And then he remembered.. This cellular phone Dean had given him. "For emergencies", Dean had said, though in the past, the both of them often used it just to reach one other, seeing as Dean and Sam couldn't be located by angels anymore.

It rang.. Once, twice.. _"Cas..?"_ he heard on the other side of the line and Castiel let his body sag in relaxation. "Dean, I-..." Groan, hiss. He tried to turn around, which apparently, judging by his body's reaction, was a bad choice to make.  
 _"Cas?! Are you okay, what's wrong?"_ He heard. There was panic in Dean's voice. Castiel chuckled, against his better judgment, it made his chest hurt. "I fell.. Dean.." he simply replied. _"You fell? What the hell man? Just get up and walk it off, it's not like you can't shake it off."_ Dean replied, slightly exasperated. "No, Dean.. I _fell_!" Castiel repeated, before groaning in pain again. The other side of the line stayed silent for a while, Castiel presumed this was due to some sort of shock. _"Cas, where are you?"_ He heard, apparently, the panic had made its way back into Dean's voice. "Earth.. I don't know my exact location.. I think I'm hurt." Castiel replied again. _"Stay still and do not, whatever happens, fall asleep. I will find your location through your phone. I'm on my way, just.. Hold on.."_ Dean urged, before Castiel heard the trademark click of the phonecall ending. So he kept still, lying there, and waited..

 _ **~So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light**_  
 _ **'Cause oh that gave me such a fright~**_

Cas had just about fallen asleep before his mind was brought back to reality due to an incessant ringing coming from right by his ear. His phone, he remembered. He moved his right arm with a groan, picking up the phone, only to be greeted by Dean's voice once more. _"We found you, Cas.. Hold on, okay? We've sent an ambulance and me and Sammy and Bobby are leaving for the hospital right now, alright? We're not too far out, only about a three hour ride. Help is coming, okay? Just.. Hold on."_ Dean's voice said and with that, Castiel passed out.

"Sammy! Would you hurry up?!" Dean growled, pacing next to the driver's side door of Bobby's truck. Bobby shoved him aside to the passenger door in the back. "Get in. You're in no state to drive. One wounded man is already more than enough." The old man grumbled as Dean climbed into the backseat. Sam ran up to the truck and got in as well, before the truck took off with screeching tires. The last thing said in the truck, before falling into an uncomfortable silence, was "That fucking idiot.."

When they arrived at the hospital, the three men stormed up to the reception desk. "We're here for the guy we called about earlier. His name is Castiel." Dean said, urgency in his voice. "Last name?" The nurse behind the desk simply asked and Dean fell silent.. He drew a blank. How would he know what last name he would use?!  
"Winchester. Castiel Winchester." Sam stated. Dean looked at him as if he'd gone crazy. _'Trust me'_ Sam simply mouthed back at him, while the nurse was looking into her computer.  
"He's on the second floor, you can wait in the Emergency Room waiting area." She simply stated again before the three men took off in a hurry, climbing the flight of stairs three at a time.

 _ **~You saw my pain, washed out in the rain**_  
 _ **Broken glass, saw the blood run from my veins**_  
 _ **But you saw no fault, no cracks in my heart**_  
 _ **And you knelt beside my hope torn apart~**_

When they were finally allowed to see him, hearing the doctor drone on way too long about _"broken arm, punctured long, bruised ribs, lots of bruises"_ , Dean's heart broke at the sight of the Angel. _His Angel_.  
He sat down next to the sleeping form and whispered. "Cas, you stupid moron.. What the hell did you fall for, huh? Why did you have to do something so..stupid?!"  
Dean nearly jumped out of his chair when he saw the Angel's eyes open up ever so slightly, the blue in them, while still brilliant, dulled by all the pain medicine. "Dean..?" The angel croaked out and Dean shot up, covering Castiel's (now in a cast) arm. "It's okay Cas, I'm here.. We're all here. You're gonna be fine, most of the damage is superficial." Dean quickly said. And when Sam and Bobby made their way into the room, Dean quickly retracted his hand from Cas' arm.

"So.. You fell, huh?" Sam asked, quite crudely if you'd ask Dean. "Sammy.. Time and place man! Time and place." Dean grumbled with a sigh, but Cas shook his head slightly. "No, it's okay.. Yes, Sam.. I fell. It wasn't quite what I planned, but.." Sam nodded, Cas didn't have to tell him why, he knew why. What he didn't understand, though, was why he didn't seem to heal. "What happened?" Sam simply asked, searching for clarification.  
Castiel turned his eyes away, focusing on the beeping machine that was standing next to his bed. "I couldn't be a leader any longer. I'm a soldier. My place is here, on Earth, helping to restore peace. My brothers and sisters understood, but.." Cas interrupted himself, his face contorting in pain as he slightly coughed, Dean's hand immediately shooting out to gently, but firmly, grab onto his shoulder.  
"They felt the need to strip me of my wings, and apparently my healing powers, so I wouldn't stray from the purpose of returning God to Heaven." He continued. "Dicks." He heard Dean utter, before Sam chuckled. He understood, the other angels had stripped him of his 'angelhood', for lack of a better word. They had disguised it as some kind of insurance so Cas would stick to his goal, but in actually, they'd punished him. Punished him for choosing them over Heaven.

 _ **~But the ghosts that we knew made us blackened or blue**_  
 _ **But we'll live a long life~**_

After a couple of hours, Sam and Bobby had retreated back to the motelroom they rented, Dean refusing to leave. _"Someone has to make sure he stays safe, guys. And you know I barely sleep anyway."_ Dean had said. A half-truth. He couldn't leave Cas. Not when he looked so.. Broken.

"Dean..?" Castiel softly whispered out in the middle of the night, Dean immediately sitting upright in his chair. "Yeah, Cas? What is it?" Castiel turned around a little before using his good hand to lift up the backrest of his bed somewhat, giving him the ability to sit upright a bit more. "I'm sorry.. For walking out back when.. Back then." Castiel said, slightly biting his lip and averting his eyes from Dean to focus on the blinds covering his window instead.  
"Water under the bridge, Cas." Dean said. Castiel grumbled a little and turned his head to Dean, his eyes glistening. "No. Don't do that. Don't go easy on me, just because I am stuck in these ridiculous clothes, in this ridiculous bed." Castiel replied, frustration clear in his voice.  
"What do you want to hear then, Cas? Huh?!" Dean replied angrily. "That you're a dick? That you had no right.. No _fucking_ right to walk out on us like that? _On me like that_?! And then to make a decision like this.. All by yourself? Why the hell would you do that?!" Dean had stood up at this point, pacing by the side of the fallen angel's bed.  
Cas swallowed, painfully, ashamed. He lowered his eyes. "I was.. Lonely." He simply said, chewing the inside of his cheek slightly.  
At this, Dean immediately stopped his pacing and pulled his chair close to the bed, sitting back down in it and putting his hand on Castiel's shoulder again, leaning in a little. "It's gonna be okay.. You're home now." Dean replied, sincerity in his voice.

 _ **~And the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view**_  
 _ **And we'll live a long life~**_


End file.
